thought 3 – by lisa

tuesday 21.11.2017, 10:45, abrolhos in brazil

having a camera, or actually a bunch of cameras, around you on a daily basis is not very common. at least it was not normal for me before i came on delos. in fact, it’s still not normal for me. but it’s part of the game and i enjoy playing the game, otherwise i would not be here anymore i guess. in the last few days i thought a lot about how i actually feel about being filmed in every situation, how my interactions with the camera/s has changed over time and how i feel about that this footage will be seen by thousands of people out there.

first of all, i do have to admit, that i’ve never enjoyed watching myself on tape. i always think it is awkward. my voice sounds horrible, how i behave is embarrassing, my facial expressions are weird, my body language is, i can’t even find a word for it, and how i look in general – oh my god – it never reflects the image i have of myself. it always shows my worse. at least that’s what i think about it. but why? why is the image or how i feel about myself way different than what i actually see in the footage? is it only me? do other people see me different as well, or do they actually see me as who i am? have they always seen the truth? am i the only one who has not seen it? or has actually nobody, including myself, seen the real, natural homo sapien lisa? except god?

using a camera and filming random stuff is something i have always loved to do. my family can probably sing a song about it. i remember my dad bought a new cam corder when i was, i think 11 or 12 years old, and i started to film everything. literally everything. i filmed my parents while they were asleep and snoring, i filmed me and my sister when we totally lost it while sitting on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, i captured our sailing trainings with all mistakes, filmed us eating, ballet trainings, whole holidays etc. there was hardly anything i missed. and of course, the best parts of all the footage has always been the moments when we behave the most awkward, embarrassing or funny. anything out of the norm. this is the stuff that makes you laugh and smile while watching back. when my sister and i were kids my parents filmed us as well. they captured us having a bath, playing with the neighbors kids in the backyard, throwing mud at each other, filmed us while destroying the family’s bbq, being sick, trying to sing and dance, sleeping, acting like smartypants and much more. looking back on this footage is hilarious and i always have to cry because i laugh so hard. but it is embarrassing at the same time. i am glad, that this footage is not meant to be published. it will stay in our family and nobody will ever see it, except us – except when you get married or you celebrate a big birthday, than this footage might show up at the party. but this is another story.

but here is the difference to all the family movies and to the delos project.

on delos everything we film might be published and be seen by i honestly don’t even know how many thousands of people.
and when i say EVERYTHING, i mean EVERYTHING.
the embarrassing stuff, the funny parts, the perfect situations, the sad moments, the negative experiences, the most wonderful things in the world and everything in between.

joining delos has definitely changed my behavior in front and behind a camera. that’s for sure. after nearly 8 months i became way more confident in picking up the camera, commenting on situations and even filming myself while talking. in the beginning i struggled a lot with my english. as a non native speaker i did – and still do – make a lot of mistakes, and this was the first thing i had to learn. being confident with my lack of vocabulary, with my wrong pronunciations, with my weird sentence constellations and being confident with showing it on camera. it just shows that i have other talents than language.
i became way more confident in showing true emotions as well. just a few days ago i looked back at the footage when lizbef left the boat. on the day she actually said goodbye i filmed myself talking how i feel about it. and man – i cried. i cried a lot. but you know what? i am ok with it now. i am ok with watching me cry, while wearing no make up, having pimples on my face and even knowing that this might be published. i don’t know how many people will watch me in this state of mind. but i don’t care about this anymore. in the end, this is just how i look when i am sad and i do not want to hide the truth.
but i also have to confess, that i am still not confident with watching myself throwing out bad jokes. i am still not comfortable that people might misunderstand situations, conversations, comments, facial expressions, body language or anything else i can’t think of now that its captured on camera. i am actually still not confident that people will see a lisa with mood changes, being sassy, failing, being sick, doing things that might not be smart and much more. before i came on delos i knew that this will be a huge challenge for me and in some points i might have overestimated myself for sure. but i also knew that i needed this challenge to grow and to face myself on a level i would not have been able to face myself without all these cameras.

being on this boat means much more than to experience this world from the perspective of a sailboat. it also means to accept yourself how you look and behave in front of a camera. and i’ve realized that this is definitely the hardest part for me. accepting me for who i am in general is not easy, and accepting me in front of the camera is even harder. it doesn’t matter if the content is good or bad, embarrassing or not. and then, on top – accepting that other people will watch the episodes as well and that they can judge and criticize you for what you have done or said in them. the chances are high, that the image other people might have had of me before delos was a different one than after they have followed me on this journey – maybe they have not looked close enough before. i will probably lose the perfect image i have had of myself and other people will might lose it too.
actually i think i have probably already lost it.

and i am scared of this new image of myself.
in general – it fu**ing scares me to show me being human. being natural. being me.
because i know i am not perfect. and i will never be. not in this world.

and this makes me vulnerable.

but here is the thing – i have not been perfect or acted perfectly before delos as well. non of us have. the only difference now is, that everybody can watch, judge and criticize me/us because of what they see on social media. and i can criticize and judge myself as well. because the footage allows me to watch back and have a different perspective on it or criticize it. and let me tell you, i am good at this. a little too good actually….

presenting yourself on the world wide web, is probably one of the most vulnerable things you can do. and i do not speak of presenting yourself in a curated way – i am speaking of presenting the true you, and only the truth. you become a target for critique. either if it is positive or negative. delos is trying to show the truth of living on a boat with a bunch of different characters. this is what we try to do on a daily basis. and the truth – face it lisa – is not being perfect. the truth is being imperfect, struggling, making mistakes, making wrong decisions, saying weird things, having bad thoughts, creating misunderstandings, disappointing friends and family… and this is what i have to learn – being comfortable with it. i know that everybody out there is struggling with the same things. the only difference between us/me and you out there is, that we are showing ourselves, unscripted, uncensored and we are making ourselves vulnerable towards you. and i am struggling with it. yes i am. because i care what other people think about me – way more than i’d like to. but i care, because i don’t want to hurt or disappoint anybody. i care because i love. and to love means to open myself towards the other party, let them in, and care about their critique. but i try not to judge you for who you are, what you are doing, thinking, how you make your decisions, etc. imagine if i’d have the chance to get a little glimpse deeper in your life, as you now have way more insight on mine – wouldn’t there be things you would be embarrassed to show too? do you think i would judge you and those things you tried to hide from me as you might judge me after seeing me on delos?
but this would not be love. this is not how we should treat each other. this is not how i want to think or feel about you.

only a few days ago a friend talked to me about the power of vulnerability. and i think i wanna use this power of vulnerability to show that i am imperfect and to become confident in it. because as onora oneill said: “if you make yourself vulnerable to the other party, then that is very good evidence that you’re trustworthy and have confidence in what you are saying.“ and i’d love to be a trustworthy person for you. i’d love that when you watch me while i am acting in a negative way that you think: „wow, this was a huge mistake in my opinion. but if you’d only know what i did/thought/said in my past… i want to try not to judge you for what you’ve done or said that is wrong in my eyes. instead i want to love you.“ and i wanna try the same thing. from the bottom of my heart. i wanna try to love you as i wanna try to love myself, as a vulnerable being, in the power of vulnerability and with the help of god.

in the end, this is just me,
being human,
showing you imperfection in front of a camera.