saturday 17.06.2017, 21:54, st.helena
it’s the last night here on st.helena. karin, brian, lizbef and i just came back from our farewell drinks at the muleyard – a local “hang out spot“ for the saints and stranded cruisers.
with a little tear in my eye we’ve said goodbye to a few people we’ve met on this island and who we’ve started calling friends. i think i got familiar now with these bittersweet goodbyes; but this is probably the sacrifice you have to deal with when you are travelling; exploring new places, meeting people, get to know the place better, get to know the people better, let both in your heart, but in the end you have to say the three little words – “see you later” – to the place and to your new friends. but it’s time for us to move on. everybody is ready to set sail towards ascension island tomorrow and we’re all more than excited for this next passage – but something is different. something has changed. something is not as it has been when we’ve arrived.
it’s quite difficult for me to explain what has happened. but i wanna try.
nothing has changed on the boat. i mean, except our toilet explosion in the stern bathroom and the deep cleaning afterwards, our new leech line in the jib, the intense plant-removing action of the bottom of the boat, some new polaroids on the wall, some trained leg muscles after all these hikes and we’ve finally arrived at episode 3 at black sails. the crew is still the same, i am sleeping in the same bunk, the cooking and watch schedule hasn’t changed and everybody tries their best to keep the project running. you see, the surface is still the same. but something has changed from the inside. i don’t know about the others, but inside of me something has modified.
a few days ago, after dinner, i sat in the cockpit, enjoying the evening winds, listening to the water and the sound of the island whilst staring at the stars. kind of a normal after dinner set-up for me. and there it was. the feeling of being settled.
i’ve finally arrived on delos – but probably in a complete different way than you’d think right now. after 3.5 months i couldn’t imagine myself somewhere else than on this boat. i am part of this crew. i am part of this boat. i am part of this project. although i still don’t allow myself to call delos my home, because i know that this journey will come to an end at some point, but for the moment delos is something in between. something between i can call home and something just transient. and it’s good as it is! i am here with 5 other people, which i haven’t known a few months before, who haven’t known me either, and we start to call each other family. this is definitely the place i should be right now. it’s good that i am here. here on this ocean with these people. i am here for a reason. calmness surrounded me and all the excitement of the first few months was finally gone. the suspense of meeting the “famous sv delos family” and the uncertainty of what’s waiting for me on the boat has gone. it’s a kind of a relief. of course, the excitement of the first days/months has its own beauty, but now the situation has changed and a new beauty has risen.
i really tried to imagine myself being somewhere else in this moment, with other people, in a different surrounding, a different set-up, in a “normal-day-land-based-life” – but i wasn’t able to. i couldn’t see myself anywhere else than here – in the bay of jamestown, in front of st.helena, in the middle of the southern-atlantic. yes – here i am – and it finally feels normal.
it’s fascinating that every member of the crew accepts me for who i am. there is no reason to prove anything. lisa is just lisa. they know me now quite well. of course they don’t know everything about me – but they know a lot. and this “a lot” is a f***ing lot. the crew has already seen me in so many different emotional and physical states, it’d be hard to start hiding things from them.
every morning i am happy when brian gets up and walking trough my cabin whilst saying “good morning” and throwing a little air-kiss towards me. i love that karin and i can talk about very personal stuff and having deep conversations over hours. it makes me happy that liz learned to say “hab dich lieb” in austrian dialect and that she keeps on saying it to me nearly every single day. i am truly impressed of brady’s patience and that he never gets tired of honestly listening to me, while i am trying my best to express my thoughts and considerations, which are sometimes not even so clear to myself. and it makes me smile when all of a sudden alex starts to dance and wiggle around to some of my tunes.
i am proud of myself when brian says that i’ve done a good job with either repairing something on the boat, catching and cleaning fish, or cooking dinner. it makes me feel at home when i’ve a girly chit chat evening with karin, while drinking delicious wine. i’m feeling helpful when alex comes up to me, asking me for recipes and maybe even for my assistance while she cooks. i love to underline lizbefs writing mode with some music and how she reacts to it with a “oh yeah, that’s perfect lisa. just perfect!”. and i am feeling confident, even when i am feeling down and although i am a very unconfident person, when brady calls me a badass and that he cherish it that i don’t give a shit about what other people think about me.
and in the end i feel useful when i can support the delos project with my skills and passions – no matter how.
this is my daily life at the moment.
it’s just another day in the office.
and i like it.
yes – i like it a lot.